Witch Baby Devil Doll

In high school in the late 80's my friend Susan was one of the lucky ducks who got to go on Prozac when it was a fairly new thing. I say lucky because in the enlightened town of Phoenix the usual remedy for us teenage maladjusts, from the mentally ill to the more typical juvenile delinquents, was a stay at Camelback Hospital, where you went in bad, came out worse, and maybe picked up a few techniques for picking locks and hotwiring cars in the bargain. While my shrink was trying to convince me and my Mom about the advanced, re-introduced electro shock techniques (We don't even have to shave your head necessarily!), Susan basically had to contend with feeling a little giddy and light headed. And having her fascination with Skinny Puppy transfer to a sudden fascination with Fugazi. Was that a side effect? I dunno, but of course none of this made either of us feel any better, which is why I was pretty skeptical about medication for a long time.

But the thing is, when you find yourself being either terrified or angry all the time for NO APPARENT REASON AT ALL, skepticism dissolves. And to be blunt, I know that when people are undergoing severe mental illness you're supposed to be all patient with them and stuff. I've read those pamphlets of things you should and should not say to your bipolar friends to help them. But the truth is very few humans have that kind of tolerance. Oh, I'm grateful to the ones who do, and the friends who've stuck this bullshit out with me are the ones I tend to value most of all. But the truth is, depressives can be a real drain. I know I was. There were people I wound up temporarily alienating at a point in my life when I should have under no circumstances been left alone with myselves. Finally after a jarring incident involving a homocidal alter-ego and some stolen developing acids from the film department at my school, I decided to break down and go chemical.

Since then I've been sort of more functional, but I've also had to hear the usual bullshit from people who don't know much about medications, but think they do. "That stuff is a crutch" Well duh. I've come to accept the fact that my brain makes more seratonin than it should, for some reason or other. If instead it was my pancreas making too much glucose, these same people would probably be ok with the fact that I was shooting insulin every day. Or is that a crutch too?

How about this one: "That stuff is designed to make people into brainwashed zombies. The system wants everyone to be a happy little corporate worker and not rebel." Ok, I'll admit it. I work. On various freelance gigs, and sometimes I moonlight as a dancer when I'm in between jobs. I'm not exactly sure how corporate any of this is, but personally, I always felt this job thing had more to do with the fact that I like having money. I like eating, I like buying things, I like being able to afford to go out. Goddamn, what have I become?!?

Ok, got another:"That's the latest fad, for doctors to prescribe anti-depressants, but most people don't really need them." Maybe that's true. I don't really know what most doctors are doing. All I know is that when I started using anti-depressants I felt like I was experiencing all the things people around me did for the first time in my life. I mean a whole gamut of subtle emotions, not just constant numbness. It felt like I "woke up". Or something. So basically, to hell with what other people need or don't need, this is great!

So what are legals like? Here's the skinny on them:

PaxilIt just keeps me stable, though I seem to be getting panic attacks still. But the thing about Paxil is, it's the most extreme one to adjust to! For the first three weeks I was on it, I kept nodding off like a junkie. I seriously had to fight to keep my head up. I also threw up a lot during that time period. But once you get past the initial adjustment stage, it's pretty smooth sailing. Unless you drink on it. I mean, all this things warn you that you can't have alcohol with them, but the worst thing I would usually notice is that I can't hold my liquor as well as I used to, I'm drunk after two drinks. With Paxil though I totally flip out when I drink. I mean I have friends telling me I've gone into convulsions, or nearly swallowed my tongue. Apparently once at a club I jumped up onto the dancer's pole and insisted that I could see visions if I held that position. Visions of what, I have no idea. Also it kills your appetite, eating would be the most disgusting thing imaginable to me. But then, about once a day, I'd become ravenous. The rest of the time though, nothing. A lot of other people wanted to take it cuz' of this.